What I learned from my first 10 day Vipassana

At the beginning of 2020 I participated in a 10 day silent meditation course and learned some of the teachings passed on by Mr S.N Goenka. This began a journey that I continue till this day, and which I plan to continue for as long as I live.

The benefits of walking on this path have become apparent to me as I tread upon it. With each passing week I see changes in the lens through which I understand the world.

The following are some of the more obvious lessons that I absorbed on and after my first ten day course.

1. Experiencing equanimity

Equanimity is a word that I don't recall hearing before a dear friend of mine began telling me of his time at Vipassana. I couldn't understand at all what he was talking about for a long time, but by the end of the 10 days of silence and having experienced it for myself I found a new reverence for this word.

The power that I felt equanimity imparted to me was enormous. As I sat there meditating and my mind wandered I thought about what it would be like to simply get up and brush myself off and try again every time I encountered failure or a setback in my life without bitterness or angst.

I imagined a man in the desert, dying of thirst and looking for water all around him. I imagined him meeting another man only to have this new figure pour a drink of water onto the sand before him, and instead of flying into a rage and leaping to kill this other man, he would simply walk on to find water elsewhere. That is how I thought of equanimity.

My mind raced with the possibilities of becoming someone who was essentially fearless, capable of any kind of risky venture knowing they would be unharmed no matter the outcome. Truly, it was a beautiful vision.

Reality was quick to bring me back to earth as the difficulty of maintaining equanimity in the real world asserted itself, but I at least knew what was possible. Absolute peace and calm in the face of all adversity.

The vast task of cultivating a permanent state of equanimity still lies before me, but the process is made easier through the compounding benefits of the practice.

2. Understanding of our limited time here on Earth

Each day of the retreat we were reminded how many days had passed, and how many days remained in which to work. This sounds like a very simple thing, but each day it tolled in my head like a funeral bell.

It was a reminder of the limited time that we had. A reminder of how valuable each second we had available to us was. A reminder that this space was only to be held for so long, before we would need to take what we'd learned back to our lives.

This was a powerful incentive to focus and practice practice the meditation properly. At the time, maintaining my focus for so long was one of the hardest things I had ever done. Put another way, I had never worked harder at anything in my life. And it seemed at times like a constant process of failure.

The mind would wander off, and I would need to bring it back. I would think of previous arguments which I'd had and how I could have smashed them. I would think of romances which I hadn't acted on and torment myself with them. I would think of times I'd let down my friends.

And through it all I would refocus the attention back on the sensations on the body. The only real thing which existed, and that was not simply a conjuration of the mind. The process was one of learning about the walls of the prison we create for ourselves constantly, and creating windows from which to look out at the beautiful reality that underpins it all.

Early in the morning of the tenth day there I looked up at the full moon, and reflected on the necessity of squeezing every moment of reality to its fullest. Living in it. Forgetting the torments that I would otherwise put myself through. I told myself to remember at all times to make best use of the time available to me.

3. The value of trying hard

This may sound strange, but for a long time I thought that trying really hard at something was a sign of weakness, something to be avoided.

Before I left for Vipassana my friend who had recommended the experience said the following words: "be prepared to work hard". This was a wonderful message to share, and resonated in my mind often. Particularly as I sat on my bed to meditate and needed to resist the temptation to lie down.

During the experience I realised that I was using self-sabotage as a way of creating excuses for when things didn't go well in my life. By never trying my hardest in anything, I was able to avoid success and make my more meager successes look better than they should.

This idea had been stewing in my mind for a while, but became starkly apparent in the face of the work because of the immediate benefits I experienced as a result of my meditation. Each hour that I put in came back to me in the form a cleaner mind.

What do I mean by a cleaner mind? In my experience I frequently have cruel words, thoughts, and feelings rise to the surface of my consciousness. Previously I would berate myself for these things, and more often let them slip by without noticing them. As my awareness developed in the silence I became cognizant of these experiences, but at the same time began to understand that these thoughts and feelings were not me. They did not reflect my fundamental self. They were simply byproducts of the mental framework which I had set out to fix.

In the same way that a mechanic does not feel hatred or anger to oil or dirt that has collected on an engine block, the self-judgement associated with those thoughts began to melt away.

These were the results of my labour, and rarely in my life had any effort borne such wondrous fruits. Seeing this gave me a new respect for what seriously applying oneself can do.

4. Expanding my capacity for love

With this clean mind, came space for other feelings.

A few weeks before going on my retreat I had commented to the same special friend on how my heart felt like a stone in my chest. It felt like I had forgotten what loving someone felt like. Depth of feeling was something I craved.

What I began to understand as I moved into the later days of my retreat was that things need to be removed in order for other things to take their place. The clutter, the cobwebs, the feelings of dissatisfaction with myself began to slowly be cleared out, and gradually were replaced by a sense of wonder. A wonder towards the beauty of the world, the magnificence of other human beings, and of all living things.

It is apparent to me now that love lies at the heart of the practice and of life in general. It is at times difficult to justify the following claim, but these days my thinking is that love lies at the heart of all human action. Often it is misdirected, informed by delusions about the world, or a love that only considers the self. But nevertheless, that is the force humming beneath.

The blossoming of my love into the world was perhaps my most valuable takeaway from the experience, though it will take a great deal of cultivation and continued work to maintain. It is far from perfect as it is.

In conclusion

There are many more things to be said for the benefits of the practice. These stood out to me as some of the most interesting, though I am sure more will emerge as I go on.

Many of these things were not unfamiliar to me, but until I had experienced the truth of them first hand they stood as mere platitudes. The value of experimentation as the ultimate tool of knowledge was another valuable takeaway.

I hope that you found value in this sharing, and that you find great happiness on your own journey.